| This morning, after teaching my yoga class, the ladies and I started talking about dating. I jokingly told them, “I’ve never really dated. In fact, the two men I dated I married! The other one, I spent close to seven years with.” They all laughed as I explained that when I was single if I didn’t get a “great vibe” off someone, right from the “get-go,” I wouldn’t consider wasting my time or theirs for a first date. For close to a year (between my two big “break-ups”), I stayed single. Besides, dating just didn’t seem to fit with where I was emotionally and spiritually.And when did I know I was ready to start dating? When he (my husband) caught my eye, my thoughts, and my undivided attention. Until then, no one interested me and dating wouldn’t be fair to someone else (someone who might be ready to commit when I clearly wasn’t). Yet, how did I “know” with such certainty that I was not only ready to date but that this was the “right” man for me? (We were engaged in four months and married nine months later!)
How did I know? Clarity and Confidence! |
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| I had clarity going into the dating scene and confidence in my ability to trust in myself to make the right decision! | |
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In fact, that clarity seems to follow me in everything I do. When I went to buy my wedding dress, it took me less than 20 minutes to pick it out, try it on, and buy it! The sales ladies were astounded and actually very impressed. The owner of the store told me I was a “confident woman who knew who I was!” The fact that I didn’t need anyone else’s opinion nor did I need to go home and think about it, showed her I possessed something powerful: Clarity and confidence. Truth is, I was slightly embarrassed and, for a split moment, began to re-think my choice. “What woman goes by herself to pick out a wedding dress and buys it in less than 20 minutes? Did I not care enough about how I looked?” No! That wasn’t it. I absolutely cared about my wedding day and wanted a fairytale wedding! But I knew what I wanted! I do the same thing with my books. I write them and send them to my publisher without anyone else reading them or giving me their opinion. I know what I want to say, just as I knew how I wanted to look at my wedding; it all just seemed logical to me. Why get influenced by everyone else’s opinion of what you should do, say, look or feel? Going back to the wedding dress: When I walked in, I told the ladies what I was looking for. They brought me a dress close to what I requested, I tried it on, and “Voila,” 15 minutes later, I walked out completely and utterly content! I didn’t need to try on 100 dresses to know what I liked, no more than I needed to date 100 men to know who “fit me right.” |
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The secret lies in knowing what you want and having the confidence to choose (or wait for) it!
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It’s no differently than Christmas shopping. I have friends who take months picking out the perfect gifts—hours and hours at the “crazy” malls. Me? I spend an hour or two reflecting on the people I need to buy for, remembering back to conversations we’d had over the past year (to where they might have dropped a hint at something they would like) and make a list. I go on-line and order as much as I can (preferably gift-wrapped), and have it conveniently shipped to me. I’ll spend one weekend finishing up stocking-stuffers and picking up a few last personal purchases. Christmas is not a stress for me, at all! And, my gifts always seem to be a huge hit with everyone. I get clear on what they want! Before you spend any more time climbing ladders in your career or dating so many people you’re ready to give up, take some time to figure out “who you are and what you want.” If you don’t know what you want, you’ll spend a lifetime wasting precious time—flipping and flopping like a fish out of water, hoping you’ll make the right choice! I couldn’t imagine going through life being unsure of what to say, what to wear, what to buy, who to date, what job to take, how to decorate my house, or for that matter, what I feel about things! I love that I live each day with clarity. I love that I have the confidence to say “yes” or “no.” I love that I have an opinion. We’ve all heard the saying, “You can’t please all of the people, all of the time.” So please yourself! But maybe you have a hard time saying what you want because you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Maybe you’re afraid or even embarrassed to change your mind on a decision you made months or even years ago. Perhaps, you’ve spent so much time taking care of everyone else’s needs that you’ve never even asked yourself “what you want, what you love, what lights you up, etc.” If so, I encourage you to read Helen’s “Pearls of Wisdom” in this month’s BOOST, where she implores you to tell the truth. I’d also love to invite you to read the articles written by our newest contributors “Psychic Carole” and “Musings from the Man Cave” (our first and only male writer) by Brian Johnson! Plus don’t forget to read your favorites by Yvonne MacRae, Susan Sly, Wendy Cowles, and the deeply engrossing “Dark Side of the Fitness World” by Mandy Jones! http://crystalandrus.com/newsletter/april2010 Lastly, I will boldly and courageously ask you to join me on Saturday June 5th, at my house, for the last Simply…Woman RETREAT until the fall! A one-day course in YOU! Warmly, Crystal Andrus |
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Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category
Thursday, April 29th, 2010
"What Do You Do When Things Go Wrong and Nothing but Trouble Comes Your Way?"
Saturday, September 12th, 2009Three days ago we took my new website LIVE.
Excitedly, we blasted out an email to my thousands upon thousands of “supporters” asking them to “opt-in” to our new system.
Wouldn’t you know our “new system” couldn’t (or better said wouldn’t) allow for so many names to be added at once! Everything went down and I began receiving hundreds of emails from people telling me that they “didn’t get the link to opt-in”. Aaahhhh!
Some of the pages on the new site wouldn’t work. My merchant visa was accidentally canceled. No one could purchase anything! Movies wouldn’t play properly. One thing after another! Aaahhhhhh!
So what did we do? What would you have done?
Would you have panicked? Picked up the phone, started yelling . . . crying . . . gotten angry at someone? Blamed someone? I mean, there’s always someone to blame, isn’t there??? There’s always someone responsible for the mistakes!!!
Would you have buried your head in the sand or poured yourself a tall, stiff drink to settle your nerves?
Just like the song that I often sang to my children when they were young, “What do you do when things go wrong and nothing but trouble comes your way?”
Well, here’s what we did . . .
We stayed completely calm and pulled together without blame. It didn’t matter WHY. We simply assessed the situation and instantly begin weighing our options . . . focused on finding solutions! Complaining is pointless. Blaming is pointless. Besides, there really is no ‘U’ or ‘I’ in TEAM!
We kept our team intact, knowing that if one of us couldn’t figure it out, someone, somewhere, could. We continually refocused, refusing negative thoughts from trying to enter. We stayed positive, almost jovial. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems! We knew that the moment of absolute certainty may never arrive, so we made our decisions swiftly and confidently—knowing that almost anything can be reversed if necessary. Once a decision was made, we moved on—wasting our energy, second-guessing ourselves was just that . . . a waste—pointless!
We are an EMPOWERED TEAM!
A disempowered person, on the other hand, will focus on the problem (and boy, she always seems to have a new problem!!) thinking that if she talks about it a lot—sharing her misery with anyone who’ll listen—somehow it will alleviate some of her pain. She loses friends fairly quickly, or has only a few, because most are tired of hearing her complaints.
I always remind myself that “those who complain are in pain!” Ironically, complaining does not help, as it is actually a way of avoiding it—avoiding any responsibility! “If we sink it wasn’t my fault!”
Talking about it a lot won’t fix a thing!!! Focusing on what you want and finding solutions does! Yes, you need to discuss problems but then you must either find a way to accept it or fix it and MOVE ON!!!
Disempowered people will look for the worst, dwell on the negative, recite “their story” as often as it seems appropriate to the conversation (they also try to find opportunities to make the conversation fit “their story”), explaining only “their side” of the story, finding reasons why “it’s not their fault”. . . as this will justify their lack of success. They may even think they are normally “positive”—a survivor who is simply sharing her tales of woe to keep you from falling prey to her same challenges.
This same approach applies to everything in life—even relationship struggles!
Staying focused on solutions is not always easy . . . but no one ever said living an empowered life is always easy. For example, how do you stay focused on finding solutions when your marriage is falling apart or when your teenage children are reckless and out-of-control? How do you stay focused on finding solutions when you’ve just been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness or when the recession is severely affecting your business and you’re losing assets?
Here are my five points to keep in mind when coming up with solutions:
- Solutions are meant to bring you closer to long-term relief. They are meant to raise you to a higher place.
- There isn’t always a “perfect” solution for every problem, but you must follow your “gut” and do what feels “right”.
- Solutions aren’t always what you think you want. Be willing to surrender your notion of what success means to allow for the unknown to unfold.
- Solutions never forsake your own dignity, respect, needs, or values. You may think being a martyr or a savior is commendable but solutions that hurt you (in any way) are not solutions. You cannot help someone at the sake of yourself.
- Solutions alleviate pain, while bandages just stop the bleeding for a while. . .