There has been so much talk lately on my blog and Facebook pages about “mean women”.
Women who because of their own “stories”—insecurities, wounds, pasts, and pains—feel that is not only “okay” to give you their unsolicited opinions and advice, cut you up, put you down, or just give you the “death stare” for no apparent reason, they feel warranted.
In fact, my soul sister, Colette Baron-Reid and myself were on Breakfast Television in Toronto yesterday talking about this very topic: Mean Girls = Mean Women! It’s not just kids who bully.
Funny enough, although I received so many lovely compliments and “hoorays” from lots of kind and thoughtful women afterward, I predictably received this one:
“There is simply no need to get ‘over the top’. Be more natural if you want to impress people – be yourself. All the fake stuff – eyelashes, tanning bed, manicures, etc. etc. you don’t need.”
How does this woman know if I did my own make-up or if a make-up artist at Breakfast Television did it for me? How does she know if I didn’t just get back from Cuba and got my tan there? How does she know if I got a manicure? And why does it matter???
Besides, you couldn’t even see my nails and little does she know that I lost all my own eyelashes recently (Yes, I have bald eyelids LOL). And I did just get back from Cuba, where I got a wicked case of food poisoning. Thank God, at least, for the tan!
And, why take time out of your busy life to send that to someone? Don’t you have more important things to do than tell me what you feel I should look like?
After I received her message, I forwarded it onto Colette and wrote: “This is the ‘mean women’ we were talking about on TV today. I think she actually thinks her message is loving and helpful. LOL”
Colette immediately wrote back, “No, she did a dig on you … in the guise of trying to connect but she feels badly about herself so she needs to pull you down just enough so she won’t feel left out. The thing is she is not your friend.”
The great news is it didn’t affect me. Didn’t make me want to remove my nail polish or take off my eyelashes! It simply showed me that it had nothing to do with me but everything to do with her. I didn’t take it personally.
There is a huge amount of freedom that comes
when you take nothing personally.
People project onto others what they reject within themselves. Maybe she rejects herself if she were to get a tan, a manicure, or fake eyelashes? Maybe she was taught to reject women who spend time on their exterior—that it’s shallow or superficial? Maybe her husband cheated on her with a tanned blonde? Maybe her dad left her mom for one? Maybe she was bullied by a mean blonde tanned girl when she was in high school? Or maybe she was once one? Who knows? Not my issue. Hers.
If I were to write back something mean or defensive it might possibly affirm to her that I am a fake, superficial, blonde bimbo who she needed to “put in her place”. It would justify her comments. Perhaps even make her feel more superior to me. More righteous.
If I were to write back something “loving”– trying to teach her to change her perspective, it would only be me defending myself for being “over the top” when I have nothing to defend. Not to mention, I would be giving away my power by doing it. I am who I am. I don’t tell anyone how to dress, act, or behave. That is not my business.
What we defend against, we create.
Instead, I will not send any energy to her comment. Nor will I respond. I certainly won’t take it personally but I will use it as learning tool to help show other women how this is not acceptable for us to do to each other any more.
Colette is right. She is not my friend. And as far as the age-old saying goes, “Keep your friends close but your enemies closer”, I am going to disagree. I say, “Keep your friends close and pray for your enemies from a distance.”
If you want to be around a group of kind, supportive, soul sisters, who will CELEBRATE YOU — blonde or brunette (or pink hair, for that matter), fake tans or no tans — join Colette and myself this Saturday, March 8th for “The Enchanted Evening”; an evening of complete and utter self-love and shared sisterhood love! Click here to find out all the details!
I’d love to hear your thoughts on today’s blog. I’ll be sure to respond!